Blog of the Gods

Cotton Buds

2006-05-19T01:41:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting on the toilet, motioning. Ok, that's funny.

Anyhoo...

...I see the Cotton Buds container on the shelf so I grab it and have a quick read of the labelling, just to pass the time.

And, as we all know it says "Do not insert into the Ear Canal" which is where we all inevitably stick them. So my point is this; if they're not for cleaning out your ears, WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

I can think of no other part of my body that isn't better served by cleaning with a Power Shower, soap and a flannel.

So where? Up your nose, down your jappa, where? They're are so clearly made for cleaning a very small orifice.

They put the warning on the packaging just to get round being sued by newly deaf people. It's like putting "Do not smoke" on the side of a pack of ciggies.

Argh.

It's a Dogs Life

2006-05-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

I feel a rant coming on.

Brucie Forsyth's daughter, Lezzie, has been the latest victim of a dog-napping. Her two Scottie Dogs (aka yappy tw*ts) were swiped from her car while she was busy feeding her face in a KFC.

So, Bruce and Lezzie have appeared on Good Morning UK to whinge like b*stards about this.

Now I have nothing against dogs; they make perfectly good food.

However, I hate celebrities. I can't believe that just because her father is a celebrity, this bitch gets national coverage to find her wretched mongrels. If I had my dog/goldfish/child swiped I wouldn't get that much exposure.

But what really prompted this blog was Brucie's total diva attitude.

Despite the fact that the stupid bitch shouldn't have locked the dogs in the car (hot day, cooked dog flesh etc), this is not where Brucie feels the blame lies. Lezzie was unable to set the car alarm because you can't set an alarm if there's something moving in the car (i.e. the dogs). He says that Car Manufacturs should solve this problem.

So, Ford, Chrysler, Renault, General Motors and Toyota should redesign their alarm systems in case you are a celebrity and want to lock your dogs in the car?

Gosh, what naughty Major Global Automotive Manufacturers for not thinking of this.

Shaven Ravers? No thanks

2006-05-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

Celeste - one of brightest and most promising of the uni-named Porn Queens on the planet.

But what will she be remembered for? Her early work with the Mickey Mouse club? Unlikely, Britney and Christina have too long overshadowed her exploits there.

Her flings with Charlie Sheen? Unfortunately, his reinvention as TV Evangelist "Mrs Beachams" has relegated her to merely an embarrassing stain on his otherwise squeaky-clean persona.

Or maybe she won't be remembered at all. Porn Queens fade faster than a tattoo done with a cheap biro on a Greek chick in a sauna.

So, in a bizarre new twist, Celeste has signed up with Dr. Edgar Lampgrabber, eminent skin-graft expert to stars. His balding reversal techniques have been used extensively by celebrities such as Elton and Billie Piper and have thrust him, arse first, into the public-eye.

And now his magic is being applied to....the chin of Celeste.

Chin!? Indeed, after discussion with her bisexual agent J.K.Rowling, she's decided to relaunch her career as The First Bearded Lady of Porn.

Nope.

Sorry.

I've run dry. I can't continue with this stupid story. And just in case you weren't sure, it's not true. I made it up.

But it really does make you think, would anyone pay to see a gorgeous, voluptuous porn star with a beard?

No.

Universal Underpant Constant

2006-05-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Although some of you probably think I have too much time on my hands, I have actually been doing serious study. Today I present Part 1 of my latest Nobel winning research.

Fact: We wear Underpants so that we don't soil our 'outerpants', meaning we can wear our (more expensive) outerpants for more than one day.

This is a fundamental economic construct of the 21st Century with billions of dollars being traded daily through companies manufacturing these intimates.

However, are we being misled?

Consider this, the average cost of a pair of Outers is $22. So, at what price point are underpants 'too expensive'?

For example; if, in a average week, Mr Average wears 8 pairs of underpants (the 8th being for a special night out) plus two pairs of outerpants at work, a pair of jeans covering the weekend and his special 'night out' pants his tally will be:

8b + 4a (Where a = Outerpants and b = Underpants)

However, what if he had decided to go commando and soil his Outerpants at work forcing a daily change. He also soils at the weekend but decides that denim is robust enough to take the abuse. We end up with this:

7a (i.e. he wears 7 pairs of outers and NO underpants!)

To solve the cut off point for Underpants, we must solve this equation:

8b + 4a = 7a

Given that the average price of Outers is $22 we can substitute and arrive at:

8b + 88 = 154

Rearrange to give

8b = (154 - 88)
8b = 66

Therefore b = $8.25

Sadly, for those guys wearing "quality" Underpants costing more than $8.25 you're just kidding yourselves.

Women, on the otherhand, should always wear two pairs of knickers. Coz they're are like slugs.

Wikipedia (the dogs knob)

2006-05-09T03:33:00.000-07:00

I look at Wikipedia every day and like to look at the Articles of the Day, just to expand the breadth of my huge intelelekt, so to speak.

Anyway, there was an entry on some Ancient Roman Emperor (or something historical). So I clicked on it and the page appeared. Except it was just full of pictures of knobs. Not knobs from dirty movies, just regular mens willies not doing much at all. Dozens of them.

No text, no information, just knobs.

The unfortunate page remained in place for many hours; I wonder how many millions of people saw it and were horrified/aroused/angered/cheered? (delete as appropriate)

Ah, those were the days.

Seems I'm not dead

2006-05-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

So, it wasn't my last blog. Of course, this one might be. I might get run over by a bus. That would be strange as I'm currently confined to my couch.

Try saying Settee or Chesterfield in Canuckland. Actually don't. It's not worth it.

My operation seemed to go fine. I was waiting in the Operating Theatre holding area. I was so relaxed. I asked the nurse what was in my drip as it was working a treat. She said nothing, they hadn't given me any drugs yet.

I love hospitals and that whole General Anaesthetic thing. It's soooo mellow. It's a good thing I don't take drugs coz I'd be a total addict, I think they're ace. I love that bit just before you go under, that's what we should all strive for in our lives. Drug induced comas.

Anyway, I'm not dead.

And to prove I'm not totally anti-Canada, I have to say it was the friendliest most pleasant hospital I've ever been in. And two of the nurses were pretty hot. And one other was a total stunner. I kid you not.

My Last Ever Blog?

2006-04-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

I can't remember if I'd mentioned this, but I'm having knee surgery today (13th).

Hopefully, it will go well.

However, if I die on the table, this will be my last ever blog.

I'd like to say, once and for all, that I don't like cheap toilet paper or cheap sellotape.

Why can't long haul aeroplanes be done in bunk bed style? If the seats were all horizontal, then you could stack people and everyone would get to lie down.

I don't like tipping. You fret all the way through your meal knowing you have to tip at the end. How about tipping at the start. A big tip means "do your very best preparing my meal" while a small tip means "please feel free to spit in my lasagne".

I think we should do away with cars altogether. Put tarpauling roofing over the roads and give everyone motorized rollerblades. We'd save energy and stop obesity in it's tracks.

Finally, could everyone please keep an eye on my life partner Shirley and her various sprogs? If she's looking hungry, give her some cheese or maybe a nice sponge cake.

Wish me luck

Oh Land of Thy Birth

2006-04-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday I visited the City of my birth. I was born in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. Scarborough is to Toronto what Onchan is to Douglas. Only Scarborough is the size of Leeds.

Frequently, my mother has commented that she wished our family had never left Canada and gone to the Rock. We actually left there when I was six weeks old and I've never seen it since.

Until (as I may have mentioned) last Tuesday.

What can I say that won't have me branded a fully paid up member of the KKK?

You see...we had to get a bus from the train station to the zoo. The bus was pretty full. There were actually 31 people on it. Five were white* Five. There's four people in my family for Gods sake. If it wasn't for us white trash tourists there would've been only one white guy on board! And he got off before us. And the train, train station and passers-by I could see showed we hadn't accidentally got on the Rasta Bus. We were surrounded.

The thing about going to another country is that you aren't really justified in ranting about it's way of life. If you don't like it, there's a boat in the morning.

So I can't wait to get home to really rip into the DHSS, MHKs, the price of beer in nightclubs, the lack of totty in Strand Street and the general state of the roads. And I'll have the right to do it.

Thankyou and good night.

*Out of interest, my definition of white goes from Finland to Greece. We're not just talking Anglo-Saxons.

Colloquialisms

2006-03-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

I was chatting on MSN this morning and found myself using the phrase "he could always kip down" meaning "he could go to sleep".

Now, in my tenure in Canada I have adapted. Being of high intellect, I am able to speak Canadianese. It's like English but with far fewer words and no slang (apart from adding 'eh' to everything).

But Shirley (being a woman) struggles. An example:

Our car was getting fixed, so Shirley rang a friend and asked if she could "bum a lift". There are so many reasons a Canadian wouldn't understand this not least of which is that Shirley has a manx/yorkshire accent.

So, not unexpectedly, her friend didn't understand.

At which point, Shirley's brilliant strategy for dealing with the vocab. limited Canadians kicks in. She just speaks slower and louder.

"CAN - I - BUM - A - LIFT"

It's hysterical.

Before they die, everyone should see the look of total confusion on a Canucks face with Shirley shouting the following:

"WIND - YOUR - NECK - IN" (i.e. calmn down)
"SHE'S - POTS - FOR - RAGS" (i.e. she's mentally deranged)
"CHIPS - AND - MUSHY - PEAS - PLEASE" (no known translation)

Sometimes, she finishes her bizarre phrase as though it will become self explanatory. For example, if someones pant leg didn't meet their shoe (thereby revealing sock):

"Put jam on shoes" says Shirley
"Ugh?" replies the Canadian
"(sigh) Put some jam on your shoes and invite your trousers down for tea" she says, somehow explaining all.
"Ugh?" repeats the Canadian

But I will give her credit. She decided early on to remain true to her heritage and remains uncompromised. Me? I'm a total sell out. That's it for now, I gotta put out the trash, eh!

Stealing is Good

2006-03-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

I've always had this vague guilt. When I bought my first ever CD Player from Colebournes (circa 1984) there was a Strauss CD in it for demo purposes. As the salesguy was boxing my new purchase I kept him distracted so that he wouldn't notice. I kept it :)

As a result I was overjoyed that my CD collection was off to such a wonderful start.

But I've paid; this guilt has had such a huge effect on my life, always looking over my shoulder, never able to settle in one town.

However, I just realised something.

The b*stard sold me a demo model for full price!

The Great Height Conspiracy

2006-03-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that we are all, in fact, pretty much the same height?

Although we often describe somebody as 'short' or 'tall' there's not really much difference. A short man would be, say, 5'4 whereas a tall man would be 6'1. That's only a 10% difference. Hardly a drop in the ocean, it's not as if tall people are triple the height of short people.

In fact, visitors from outer-space might consider us all to be the same size. They might be gobsmacked (or the equivalent alien jargon) by our entire culture which is centred around height. They'd say "but you're all pretty much the same height, we'd need very high precision measuring devices to tell the difference" or "gak spp'j cwk taaaak".

You get my point.

Of course there are anomalies. Some examples follow:

1. Really tall black people
2. Children
3. People lying down

And, on a side note, although there are extra-large and extra-small sizes, there is no extra-medium. Now that is pure discrimination.

I think you'll all agree, free porn rules!

Thankyou.

Americans are Dumb!

2006-03-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

And I can back it up.

I was in Wendy's yesterday. You don't have that in Grand Britain. However, you may have heard the news story where a woman found a severed finger in her chilli and tried to sue them. Turns out it was a hoax.

But Wendy's sales took a huge nose dive due entirely to this incident.

Which got me wondering: did your average North American believe that it was now Wendy's corporate policy to put emancipated digits in their mexican-style minced beef?

Consider the scene:
Randy: "Let's grab us some chow at Wendy's"
Brock: "Hey, no way dude. Dontcha know they is putting fingers in all their food now?"
Randy: "Hell no! Let's go punch a cow instead"
Brock: "Cool!"
etc.

Whereas, back home, someone working at McDonalds reportedly ejaculated into the food. Did that stop us eating at the Golden M?

Of course not. How absurd!

Firstly: how many times can someone jerk off in a day? It's not as if he can even cover 1% of the daily output of said franchise. And secondly, just don't order anything with mayo on it.

Sorted.

TV - American Style

2006-01-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

Just watched "28 Days Later". Very good. Jolly well should be as it is made in Grand Britain.

However, I'm not sure what it's running time was in good old GB. But here, it took 3 hours. For example, there were 4 ad breaks in the last 30 minutes. Each break is 4 minutes long. Somewhat kills the suspense.

They show no adverts in the first half hour of these epics and then increase their occurence as the audience is hooked.

Did you know that a standard primetime show (like frasier or king of queens) takes the following form:

Intro (which follows immediately on from previous show)
Break
Opening Credits
Break
7 mins of show
Break
7 mins of show
Break
Final witty one liner + Credits
which then roll into the next show.

They don't put breaks between shows. As people are more likely to get up and do something less boring instead.

One of the more bizarre things is that they run the trailer for the show your watching in the break in the show you're watching.

Some films are so long they're split them over two nights. Like a truly epic movie such as.....Harry Potter (admit it, you were expecting me to say LOTR)

If I ever hear anyone whinge about their TV licence I'll pee on them.

First Story of 2006

2006-01-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

ALL TRUE.

We went down into the City for New Years Eve; Outdoor Ice Skating, Hot Dogs and a midnight countdown with 15,000 Canadians. Nice.

Anyway, we were driving home around 1am. All the roads here are at least dual carriageways and Shirley points out that not far in front, a cop car keeps changing lanes. She's very observant like that.

Next thing, a little red car scoots left at the next junction and the cop car (lights now blazing) pounces. Ha! Running a red light, you're nicked mate, kind of thing.

So we, being manx, decide to take the left and have a peek at the poor (probably drunken) sod being chastised. I suggest Shirl pull out the camcorder and capture the typical American scene on tape.

But Canadian cops radio back to base before getting out of their own car, so nothing has yet happened. Boring! So we decide to do a U-turn and drive by again, hoping for better footage. Hmmm, still nothing happening.

However, the copper obviously got some bad news from HQ. As we drive past yet again two other cop cars have miraculously appeared. The wrong-doers car is now lit up with 3 sets of headlights and menaced by 6 Magnum wielding cops, safely shielded by their open doors. Two other cop cars handbrake into position to block off the entry to the road. They are sweet enough to let us pass. Clearly, we are British, and are therefore not involved.

Which means we have to go ROUND THE BLOCK to get more footage of the scene. By which time there are FOURTEEN cop cars, lights blazing, guns-a-toting and we can't get within 50 feet of the scene. Bastards.

We try approaching from another angles, but we start to feel a couple of the cops blocking the road are eyeing us (and our camcorder) suspiciously. We really should get a smaller model.

No idea what the 'crim' was up to. Minor stuff like that doesn't make the news.

We'll miss this place.

Vacation Part II - The Empire strikes his ear back

2005-09-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

Do you know how long it takes to crop images and make one of these things? Ages.

And you can now click on all the images to get bigger versions. Although, after you've seen my wife, you may not want to do this.

Anyhoo, here we go:

This is me trying to launch Phoebe into orbit. She's a lot heavier than she looks.

This is Shirley and my lovely daughters. I feel there was an argument at this stage that Phoebe lost and Tara thinks it's funny.

This is me at the top of Knox Mountain (the local HARD ride, 4km of nasty uphill). I rode up it for some fun and met some cyclists who were organizing a race. I asked if I could play, so they let me. So I rode back down, and then rode back up only faster. I was very, very sore afterwards.

I included this picture coz I look so damn hot.

This is Tara about to do a deathslide (she didn't die though, so I've asked that it be renamed).

This is Phoebe showing that Tara isn't the only 'showoff' in the family.

This is Tara showing that no matter what Phoebe can do, she can top - "I can dive although I'm only five".

And just to prove a point, she demonstrates her skills to the entire Hotel.

This is me and Nick looking hot beside a boat (which we drove later in the week).

And that just about wraps it up for the penultimate in this trilogy. In Part 3, you can see me totally naked.

Gertie

My Cananadadian Vacation

2005-08-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Part 1 of my vacation. Fun though it was, I don't think I could eat a whole one.

So without any further ado....

...we started off at 6am one cold dark damp monday morning.

"6am?" you say "Wow that's early. Are you serious?".
"Yes", I reply "6am. And I'm totally serious".

Actually, no. It was more like 7am, 6am is just stupid. Who seriously leaves the house at that time of the morning? You'd die or something.

[map to follow]
Journey: Edmonton - Jasper - Lake Louise - Sicamous - Kelowna
Distance: 1100 kms
Elapsed Time: 13.5 hours
Conversation Choices:
a. Shirley (drivel)
b. the girls (absolute drivel)
c. Nick (utter drivel)
Note: And it's "drivel" not "dribble".

This is us starting off (note the bicycle, it figures later in the vacation)

This is the sprogs raring to go (5 mins later the 3 of them were snoring like pig-dogs)

This is where we had our lunch. Tara was in swimming, hence her absence from the pic.

(click me)

This is where we did our business. It should be mentioned that when you're 500 miles from the nearest sewerage system, a flushing toilet is not an option. The flash photography really doesn't bring home that the drop from the enamel fixture to the 'collection area' is at least 20 feet. That's Canadian ingenuity for you. In some of the higher class resorts you actually shit into an Abyss. (important note: the message left in this latrine is NOT the work of any of the MY family)

This is me driving the car. Jeezuz I've got a big nose!

This is a very beautiful lake in Alberta. And yes, I really took this pic.
(click me)

This is a reasonably okay lake in British Columbia.

This is us hitting the swimming pool at about 9pm. This picture was took using the camera timer as I was already pissed in the bar.

And this is our destination.

Tomorrow, you get to see me going topless!!!

In the absence of other news...

2005-08-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

...read this.

I came into work this morning, as usual. As I live in the latest part of the World according to GMT (i.e. after UK, after Oz, after Bingbongistan) I expect to have emails to read. You've all been up all day and really should have missed me enough to pen a witticism.

However, this morning there was nothing. Not a sauage. Not even any spam email to tittilate.

"That's okay" I think, "I'll just read Pauls blog". Mmmm, also hasn't been updated.

I've swooped.

Don't know why I wrote that.

Latest news: really struggling to get you Nick back into a jolly old manx school. So that could be a big problem. I shaved my legs last night as I have a few end-of-season races coming up. It's been raining here non-stop all week. But it's picking up today. Had the car fixed yesterday (on a manufacturers recall - just like Fight Club). And I won't be in work all next week.

So, as a special treat, here's a photo of my sprogs enjoying canada, oh canada.

Me and Phoebe at a lake

Tara going to school (note the lack of school uniform)

A nice pic

2005-08-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

With our re-arrival on the Isle of Man imminent, I thought I'd share a pic with you all. I feel this is required coz I know you all think that we only moved to Ramsey.

This was taken in lovely Banff. Now I know the date on the bottom says 2002 but that's just coz I'd replaced the batteries in the camera and hadn't reset the date. Come on, we didn't live here then. And does Tara look 3? She looks very concerned about something, but not 3.

I went to the last bicycle race of the season last night. Unfortunately, it was rained off. Which is fine except it was 50k to the east of here. Why does everything have to be sooooo far away? You see, in the Isle of Man, we all live in the same shoebox. It smells a little, but at least it's cozy.

Oh Happy Days!!!

2005-08-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Just thought I should mention that, despite the way it may seem, we have absolutely no intention of ever leaving Canada and moving back to the Rock.

The dream is still alive!!

The fact that today (Friday) I'm gonna tell my boss to shove his job up his ass and that the removals company are booked for the fall (autumn) is merely due to a silly phase I'm going through.

On saying all that, yesterday (Thursday) was, like, totally awesome (that's how I talk now).

Work was pretty boring so I said 'to hell with this' and went for a lovely walk through the countryside with my good friend, Larry (see below).

Larry is a wonderful guy and only wears the very best underpants (which he always shows me) and he loves to sing to me, even though I hate it. But the day, which was going really well, was ruined when the 'Peanut Butter' issue yet again reared it's ugly head.

On other news, I thought I'd list my pet-hates:

Cheap stickytape
One-ply toilet paper
My job
Everyone I work with
Everything I work on
My desk
My bloody chair

But most of all, people who steal donuts!

Colonel Pepper

Working in Canada

2005-08-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone thought I was exaggerating about my workplace experiences in Canada, here is a photo of one of the saner people I work with (this photo was taken at our recent Charity BBQ Luncheon recently in aid of Really Tall Swedes (RaTS).

This person goes by the mysterious pseudonym of 'L' (but is infact called Gunther Strange-backgammon) and usually hides out in the Stationery Cupboard, sometimes leaping out on unsuspecting clients and pelting them with powdered milk.

Hmmmm.

Food - the food of the Gods

2005-08-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd start writing my Blog again. Why not? (That's rhetorical, I don't want answers)

It's been a tough couple of weeks.

My Mom went back to Oz. Shirls Mom+Dad went back to Blighty, the only person I spoke to at work moved to a new job and my cat died.

Actually, I don't have a job. I mean cat.

(Sidenote: I used to have a cat when I was a boy (as opposed to being a girl). It was called Tagger. It was really called Tiger but my mum is from Northern Ireland so I thought she was saying Tagger.)

And we're now facing the ominous task of un-flitting across the Atlantic to continue with an old life.

I'm looking forward to the following:

1. Singapore Fried Rice and Curry Sauce with chips from the New Hong Kong takeaway.
2. Driving to work in less than 6 minutes.
3. A proper Indian take-away
4. Roads with up/down and corners
5. Chips, cheese and gravy from the Terrace.
6. Speed limits higher than a unwell dog with one paw nailed to a tree.

In summary, I think it's mostly the food and the driving that I miss.

Oh, and the people (I suppose). Especially work places with interesting people!

Although, the other day in work we had a great laugh. We were trying to figure out the Gross Margin Percentage on the Project Revenue and we couldn't figure out whether it was Margin divided by the Gross or the Margin divided by the Cost!!! Can you believe that?

Oh, how we laughed. I nearly wet myself.

...I guess you had to be there.

Oh please, someone, send me airline tickets!!!

Yours sincerely

Mr. Coppermine

Athletic Prowess Part 2

2005-06-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have broken my ankle.

Really, I have. We have this little brick wall outside our house. It's about 2 foot high and 6 inches wide. My daughters were playing at doing cartwheels in the garden so I thought I'd show them what a cartwheel is all about. On the wall. Olga Korbett style.

Ow. Apparently, the take off and flight path was wonderful, but the landing was....er....disappointing. And sore. Really sore. It seems that I am no longer 15 years old. A letter from the Queen or full page advert in the Guardian informing me of this would have been appreciated.

Unfortunately, I am entered in the World Masters Games here in Canada next month so it's somewhat disrupted my training schedule. I'm trying to get my entry swapped from Cycling to Darts but am meeting some resistance. There is, so they say, no Darts category. Hmph.

Olga

Athletic Prowess

2005-01-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

Now I'm not one to bragg. Mmmm. Apparently I am.

Start again.

Hey, I love to bragg. I'm not even sure how you spell brag? How dumb is that.

Anyway, I thought I'd post this to make up for Mr Kings poor showing.

So....

I go swimming a lot now. Being told I had life threatening high blood pressure (well, actually the doc said I was a bit lardy) has really forced me to do something about it.

So I swim a lot. I go to one of the Community pools. It's nice, but there's no real competitive swimmers there, so I'm (basically) the best. None of those fat, old, chinks are even close. No offence.

Tonight, I dive in and get to work. Out of interest, I can generally churn out about 80 lengths of an evening. Read it and weep - 80!!! I am a God!

I've done about 10 lengths, all freestyle (crawl in limey-speak) when I start to realise that there is this guy in the next lane doing pretty much the same level of work as me. I figure he'll tire pretty soon so think nothing of it and keep going (I normally rest every 10 lenghts).

But he doesn't. 20 lengths into it and I'm starting to need a breather, but this guy is still pounding up and down the pool.

At 30 lengths I'm dying but my pride (as Lord of the Community Pool) keeps me going. A few lengths later I just have to stop, defeated.

Gasping for air, I look over to catch a glimpse of my Nemesis. And then I realise, there's three guys in the next lane. THEY WERE TAKING IT IN TURNS.

Wankers.

What can I say...

2005-01-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

...that hasn't already been said?

How about "Oh, Cordial? It's nice to waft in between a jar or two of the old lime variety"

You see, that's never been said. Which is odd, coz it's seems a perfectly sane thing to say. And yet, if you put it into google (an internet search engine located in Norwich) you get no results at all. Not a sausage.

The point of todays sermon? Nothing. It's just that I got a mention on Mr Kings page (click me) so I thought I'd better come up with something witty.

On failing that, I thought I'd come up with some total drivel.

So, that's it. Not much to say.

Weather on this side of the globe is a little grey today. But hey, at least it's not raining. On the plus side, the Isle of Man does have more Castles.

And the Lord knows I'm not one to complain but an Indian takeaway or two wouldn't hurt.

Hmph. That really was it.

Love

Colonel Petersborough

Prejudice and Tolerance

2005-01-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

As you get older, you like less and less stuff; foreigners, junk food and rap music nonsense to name but a few.

And yet, I feel I'm getting more tolerant. A paradox? No! Or maybe it is. Who knows or cares?

Obviously you do or you'd have clicked on www.poo-bridges.com by now.

For example; although I'm dead against [insert deviant behaviour here] I've nothing against other people engaging in said behaviour. Just not in my bathroom. Or fridge. Or pants.

I think there comes a time in life when you can separate your general principles from your immediate ones.

Take students. I've mentioned before, they are a bunch of whingers (yes Dave, you). They want free education now and yet they won't let other people use their Mercedes when they're 40.

On the other hand, I know if I was a student, I'd take everything I could get my hands on now and then move my millions to Switzerland and go and live in Cyprus.

So, have I achieved a Nirvana-like state where I can simultaneoulsy hold multiple, contrary beliefs?

Or am I just shallow and superficial? And stupid? And a big dumbass?

I'm going with dumbass.

Yours

Alice-in-charge-of-the-dog

p.s. Having just re-read my blog, I find it unbalanced, pointless and almost entirely without merit or meaning. I told you I'd improve.

Balance

2005-01-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, apologies for that last blog. But you've got to start somewhere.

Today's sermon shall be on Balance.

I have just, this minute, put an empty can of Sprite in my trash can (or rubbish box, or whatever you limeys call it). Had a Canadian/American/Australian seen this act, then they would have raised their hands to God and pronounced a curse on me. You see, in the above mentioned 'white' peoples countries, recycling is the name of the game. Cans are recycled to save the planet. Hu-bloody-rrah!

Commendable? Somewhat. You see, I look out of my window at work and I have a glorious view of the carpark. Stuffed to overflowing with automobiles with enormous engines. My own auto (or car) has a 3.3 Litre engine. Just below average in size. A 6 Litre engine wouldn't be considered outrageous. A Ford Ka with an nippy 1100 engine? No such thing.

Firstly, what the f*ck do they need such big engines for? There's no hills and the speed limit is 60 kph (about 10 mph). They just pump this shit into the atmosphere because the engines sound nice. Get a CD of 'famous automobile sounds' for Gods sake. Green house gases are screwing the planet as we speak. Total effect of unrecycled Tin cans on the planet - zero. Bugger all. Nada.

You see, no balance.

But mostly, I hate celebrities (the whole balance thing has gone now, this is just a rant).

I hate em with a passion. Take the Oscars for instance. Someone can lie convincingly (at least once out of 50 takes) on screen and they give him a gold statue and 3 billion TV viewers cheer.

What do programmers get? F*ck all. Johnny Depp is 'gifted' and all and yet I'd make a better job of Pirates of the Caribean than he would of writing a Payroll system.

I remember in the good old days when Celebrities (or Minstrels/Bards as they were known) were grateful for an audience, some scraps of bread and a barn to sleep in for the night. Wankers.

You see, no balance.

Oh, and much respect to Ali G for upsetting the Americans (http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050113/325/fa7in.html)

Lizards!!!!

Fable

2005-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

In a fit of desperation, I thought I'd write a new blog entry.

Firstly, gaming news...

I played Fable for the last 3 nights. Now, I'm not a Molyneux fan, so I wasn't expecting too much. He has always overhyped his games. You see, I loved Populous, brilliant, revolutionary. But everything that came after it was just a rehash, even the late great Black and White. But I'm digressing. Then again, Molyneux is more of an executive rather than hands-on in Fables case.

Hence, I was pleasantly surprised at how good Fable was. Good? Wonderful. Now I resent renting it as I had to give it back. Now I have to do spreadsheets to figure out whether to continue 'leasing' it from Blockbuster or to consider my outlay so far as R&D and just buy the game.

Highlights:
Deliberately breaking wind in order to influence people.
The fighting is very good
The places are tremendous. As shirley said, kinda like the nunnery grounds on a sunny day
If the frame-rate was higher I'd say it was the best graphics I'd yet seen on the XBox.

Lowlights:
As Ady says, probably a little short. But nice to have in the collection in case you wanted to go for a walk down the nunnery and you lived on another Continent.

On other news; I've asked my bosses to send me on an accounting course. They said yes. I can't wait.

Chicken Chaser (it's a quote from Fable)

Happy Halloween

2004-10-31T15:27:00.000-08:00

"Halloween is here again, dum, dum, du, de, dah" as the old song goes.

Actually, I made that up.

But Halloween is here again. Shouts of Hop-Tu-Naa haven't gone down well but I'm gonna keep trying. Girls are dressing up for our wander rounds the streets in search of Candy. Of course, I will be throwing away all the Candy they get and refurbishing them with new, vacuum sealed Candy from WalMart. You never know what kind of sicko's might be handing out sweets.

In other news....I did fit a new, programmable thermostat today. In a place that can get down to -45C heating efficiency is my watchword(s). "Is my watchwords"? I bet no-one in the history of the world has ever put those three words together.

Sausage happen causality. There's another unlikely trio of letter formations.

Please, please send in any other sentences and I will "publish the clams". Another beauty.

Anyhoo. I'm gonna look into putting some photos on this here blog tomorrow in work (which I hate) at the particular request of Paul King. Who doesn't seem to believe I have actuallly left the IOM.

Honestly Paul, I'm not avoiding you, I really have left (Douglas).

Sausage happen causality? Nope, that one's been done.

George W. Bunge

Late breaking news...

2004-10-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted for over two years. Oops.

So what's new. Not to say I ranted about this first, but there were reports today that over 100,000 civilians have been killed in iraq since the start of the war. The majority killed by the American military.

It's kind of frightening living next door to Satan and his band of merry men.

Onto lighter stuff now:

My job sucks. Really. I really, really hate it. I was in a meeting Wednesday with 8 of our staff. Apparently, next wednesday, the Batch Invoice Close function is rolled out live across Alberta. Someone asked if it's been fully tested, and with a straight and yet angry face, I said I hadn't actually started writing it yet. A couple of the staff in there looked appalled.

This is a big, big process. This makes Invisimail look organized. My boss really didn't understand why I was so angry. In fact, he said "I don't understand what the problem is". Ah, well. I'll have to get another job. This one sucks.

Love

Kathryn

Winter Wonderland

2004-10-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post. Our local TV station has just announced a snow warning. Between 10 and 20 cm of snow will be dumped on Edmonton in the next 18 hours. And apparently, you shouldn't go anywhere tomorrow unless you're prepared to spend the night.

So my Time Travelling activities will need to be postponed.

Love and Kisses

Imelda

Time Travel - The Early Experiments

2004-10-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've made some progress.

I've divided my experiments into the two obvious types; travelling forwards and travelling backwards in time.

Thought I'd try going forwards first as, to be honest, I've seen the past and although it was okay I've always generally hoped the future would be better.

So last night, I spent all evening building a Time Machine (mainly as I haven't used my new, laser guided electric saw for over a week). It's mostly made from bits of wood that I didn't use in the basement construction project and some cardboard. The steering while is the lid of a casserole dish.

Once finished, I climbed in and put it into "forward" gear (how does that work? need to know basis here I'm afraid) and waited for the blur.

Nothing much happened at first, in fact it was quite a let down. Shirley came down a couple of times and just shook her head at me (although she was kind enough to bring coffee).

So I'm sat there in my Time Machine getting quite bored, I was going to give it up (as I was feeling very tired). Next thing I remember is everything going black. Then, I find myself in the future!!!

(side note: I tell you something, this time travel leaves you really dazed and confused and does mad things to your hair. I also had a quilt wrapped round me which was strange)

So I ran outside and grabbed hold of the first passer-by I could find (the Ukrainian lady who lived/lives/will live next door was watering her plants. "What date is it?" I cried "Do you still speak English? What is the year?!" I must have seemed a crazy man in just my under garments!

It seems I had only travelled forward one earth calendar day (8 hours to be precise). But still!I was Euphoric! Success on the first attempt! But what a result.

But now I have mixed emotions. I feel out-of-time, as if I don't belong here in the future. Although I have made some good friends, I'm not sure if I should stay or attempt the return journey? I guess I should, Shirley A will be missing me terribly. Travelling backwards in time will be my weekend project.

The future has, so far, impressed me. TV programs are very similar but iPods are smaller. It also seems to rain more but it's probably too early to make such sweeping statistical analyses.

Next stop: Last Week!

Time Travel

2004-10-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mr King, I now (apparently) have to produce quality postings to
satisfy the void left by Mr Hall.

So where to begin? Being expected to produce quality puts a certain amount of
pressure on one.

How about Time Travel? What's that about?

Travelling in Time? Are we actually expected to believe that? That you can move
from one time period to another without moving in physical space? Yeah, right.

I mean, if you did move in time (but not space) then the Earth would have moved
in the interval and you'd end up in the void. Without a Spacesuit. Not pleasant, I can tell you.

And even if you did get the spatial coordinates right, you'd still have to reappear in place of whatever matter was in that position. Air? No problem. A wicker patio table? A little more challenging. How about one of those enamel Dalmations you can get in Art Stores? It's just stupid.

I'm not sure exactly who is supposed to have done this (NASA perhaps) but I find it highly unlikely. I think it would have been on the BBC News if something this important had been done for real. Maybe the BBC don't think it's that important? Or they did report it and I was out?

Although in theory, it should be possible to Travel in Time. There's no law of physics that says you can't. Or maybe there is. I don't really know, I hadn't really considered it until just now.

I'm gonna have to do some research into Time Travel and get back to you.

Yours in some confusion.

Michael

Sorry seems to be the best gossip

2004-10-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

My good friend and colleague Paul (paulking.blogspot.com) posted an apology to his wife for his drunken antics over the weekend.

C'mon Paul. You can't tell the world you're truly sorry and then NOT tell us what you're truly sorry for! We all know you're a complete w*nker when you're drunk, we can't be shocked. Like when you told Shirley to "get a job you lazy bitch" even though our youngest was only 9 months old. Laugh? We nearly shat. If we hadn't all been secretly laughing at you for peeing your beige slacks we'd have been upset (he didn't really, although he did have some Calzone Milanese on his shirt).

And on the subject of my previous post, I watched Fahrenheit 9/11 last night AFTER I did my rant.

If I posted my rant now it would not be quite as pro-american.

That's all really.

I hate Americans...

2004-10-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

...and the British by association.

Hindsight is 20-20 as the saying goes, but anyone who votes for Bush/Blair in the NEXT elections is a complete ****. Fortunately, this excuses the Manx of any responsibility.

What's the biggest human tragedy in the last 5 years? (I'm gonna put aside the BIG tragedies like Rwanda as I don't even pretend to understand what's going on there).

Aside from Emma Bunton going solo, most (American) people would say 9/11. Mmm, 3000 deaths, that's a lot. My heart goes out to their families. Truly.

However, properly researched, but impossible to prove figures, put the number of deaths in Afghanistan + Iraq at over 50,000.

50,000?

Fifty goddamn thousand? And they're no where near finished.

Look it up on the internet, there's numerous resources. Even Donald Rumsfelt said recently that US Forces had killed between 1500 and 2500 last month. Last Month? That 1,000 difference they're not sure about, were they black or something? Didn't they matter?

Actually, 2801 died at the WTC. Not 2,800, or somewhere around three thousand, or quite a few. Exactly and precisely 2801.

And yet in Iraq/Afghanistan they don't even know how many died to the nearest 10,000. What a bunch of wankers.

Now I'm not actually anti-war. Or a pacifist. Britain against an invading Argentina? Two big grown up countries slugging it out for territory? Fine, crack on (although I noticed America didn't help us).

But the World's Only Superpower (with some beefy mates) beating the shit out of two of the shitest countries in the world? Pathetic.

Are you trying to tell me that Saddam would have killed more than 50,000 before he was killed? Not a chance in hell. He couldn't even gas anyone anymore, he didn't have the stuff.

I think you'll find plenty of other countries treat their people worse than Iraq did. But take on China? Eff that, let's all have an Olympics and F1 Grand Prix and be bestest friends.

Bottom line. Bush is a mass murderer who flaunts the Geneva Convention and the will of the UN. And Britain follows.

On a sidenote: I see a lot of American TV now. And something doing the rounds at the moment is an advert for a Silver Dollar made from silver fragments found at Ground Zero of the WTC.

The coin is solid silver, each one hand-crafted. Only 2801 will be made. They are to be sold for $50,000 a piece and all the proceeds are going to benefit the familes who lost loved ones.

No, no, no. That's completely wrong. We're talking about America.

It's actually only silver plated (i.e. it's a piece of cheap shit.)

And you can buy one for a mere $19.99! Is that a bargain or what? But wait for it, if you ring within 30 minutes of the advert and have your Credit Card ready you can have it for the knock down price of only $7.99 (+ P&P), yes, you heard right, $7.99! And they'll throw in a presentation case! That's a $20 value!!! No charity, no kiss my ass, nothing.

For God almighty's sake, can Americans actually BE any more crass?

Now that's a rant.

You know you don't live in Greeba when...

2004-10-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd mention a few things that really bring home the North American experience.

Firstly, who watches(ed) Friends? Well, it's weird to be driving along and see a huge billboard advertising Joey (from Friends), "Coming this Fall on Cable". Billboards for things other than the Steam Packet and Mann Travel are rare back home.

Driving on the right, nuff said.

Tornado warnings on TV.

Snow in September.

Basements. It's just like a big room, but underground. Actually, it's not like that, it actually is that.

Really big portions of stuff. Although McDonalds portions are still pellet sized. Weird.

When your kids say "Britney was eating candy at recess" and there's no innuendo involved.

When the first thing you look for on a new TV is whether it takes a PAL signal so you can play your goddamn XBox again.

House doors don't have letterboxes. You don't get your mail delivered to your house. Our postbox is at the end of our road in the big-mailboxes-for-the-whole-road-thing.

CSI is the only thing on TV. And Everyone Loves Raymond.

I may add some more tomorrow, but for now I have to hit the Freeway (that's a BIG road).

Love

Colin

Power Tools

2004-10-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

So I've started work on my basement. You don't have those in the UK, it's like a cellar with a pool table and a sofa.

It's really good fun actually, it's (obviously) the same size as your house but empty. You get to put up walls wherever you like (but you can't move the staircase). So my failed architect longings are coming through.

I went to Rona (like B&Q) and bought a saw. It's a power saw. AKA a mitre saw. With a laser guide on it. You put the wood in, dial in the angles and cut the wood. Bloody brilliant. You know when you were younger and your father said "son, only a bad workman blames his tools". Bollocks.

Get a power saw, a battery drill and a power screw driver and anything is possible. I'm gonna build a bike next. Out of wood of course.

My plan for the basement is a couple of bedrooms, a gym, a music room and then the rest is open space, perfect for my ping-pong table and a projection TV. We're only a month or so away from the snow so it's time to get all the home comforts sorted.

And that's it. A short (but sweet) update which actually tells you something about my life.

Word for the day: Bollocks.

Extreme Blogging!

2004-09-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm into now.

Go to someone else's blog, copy their last entry, paste it into your own blog, instant interesting life!!

It's brilliant.

One little rant though. I need A4 paper. I really do. So I (when I say I, I mean I Shirley) ring up some office supply places to get some.

"A4? What's that?"
"A4? Is that the same as Legal?"
"A4? What do you want that for?"
"A4? Isn't that from Europe in France?"
etc, etc.

Basically, you can't get it. Full stop.

My plan is to buy Legal (which is bigger) and cut it down to size. So I get her to ring the biggest places to ask "Do you have a guillotine service?"

"I've no idea what a guillotine is" is the first reply.

The second was more interesting though. The guy didn't know what a guillotine was. So shirley explained about wanting A4 and that Legal was a little larger, so we'd just reduce Legal down to size through the use of a guillotine.

The man became confused at this point, thinking we wanted to put Legal into a photocopier and have it somehow 'shrink' down to A4 size. He wasn't sure the photocopier could do that but he'd check. And, putting the laws of physics to one side, apparently they can do this. That's a f**king good photocopier.

But he suggests it will probably be cheaper to just buy a pack of legal and use their cutting machine to trim it. No shit sherlock!

I'll have to lie down now.

What a day!

2004-09-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

S woke up sick this morning at the women's retreat. So I got to drive to Edmonton to go fetch her and her stuff. She thinks it's because of the way she slept last night. It turns out that she really needs to be sleeping propped up at an angle. But last night some of her bedding, which was in someone else's car, arrived late, and she couldn't prop herself up quite right. Also dinner was a little late and S forgot to take her digestive enzymes.Our bed here at home is raised about eight inches at the head. This helps put the body at a better angle for digestion. In fact, this something many gastroenterologists suggest for treating acid reflux disease (GERD). I've had undiagnosed acid reflux myself but my own symptoms have disappeared since I modified the bed. Cool!Anyway, S hasn't really had much of a problem since we left Prescott. A few hours ago she had a fever of 100.7 and was a little dehydrated. Our nurse friend, D, told her to get some fluids in her. So far, so good. S is sleeping comfortably in the recliner.

Later

Today, I was awarded a Traffic Violation Prize

2004-09-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm coming down 97 Street which is actually 7 lanes wide which makes it more than a dual carriageway but less than a freeway. You may ask why 7 lanes? Well, the middle lane goes towards the city in the morning rush hour and away from the city in the evening.

And I'm in the right most lane (remember: we drive on the right) thinking, god, this lane is totally empty but there's practically gridlock in the other lanes. Why don't the schmucks use this lane?

And then I can see this copper up ahead waving to me. So I wave back and then realise, he wants to 'chat'. I think about putting my foot down but instead, I pull into this concealed lay-by where there are 5 cop cars (which over here are big 6 litre monsters) all with their engines purring. Doing a runner might have been a bad move.

So, apparently, I was in a 'Bus Lane' whatever that means in English. And 2 minutes and $115 later I'm free to go.

I have to say that, unlike the IOM, paying fines here is strongly 'encouraged'. The nice policeman helpfully pointed out the various amounts on the ticket using his laser targeted sidearm.

Ironically, after all this, the right lane was still totally empty and the others were still grid locked. So, all in all, I think I still made time. Result!

Warning - The word "Tits" is used in this post

2004-09-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

But only in the title, so you're safely past it now.

Sorry for not posting but I've been soooo busy (actually I did write a big post last week but it never 'published', neither did my various comments on AH, PB or PKs blogs).

Anyway, as you know, I'm doing more OU this year (Science). I thought Science, that sounds interesting. Volcanoes, Earthquakes, the Big Bang, Origins of Life, how can that be anything other than scintillating? I guess I was sort of picturing: "This is skippy the Dolphin, he's a mammal, not a fish. See Skippy swim. Fish have gills. Please colour in the pictures of Skippy and his friends in your favourite colours"

What I didn't expect was:"The Division of Quantum Electrodynamics and the Weak Interaction during the Hadron Era. Summarize in 3400-3600 words."

So there are 8 marked assignments. And you have to score an average of 40% to get a bare pass. So I scored 80, 84 & 84 in the first 3 assignments. I get Excel out and figure I just need two more scores of 36 to pass. Which means I can safely skip the middle three assignments and just do so-so on the last two.

Then I find out (recently) that you have to score a 40% average on the first four and a 40% average on last four. Which puts a different complexion on things. So now, the last two need 80% scores, not 36%. And, of course, these two rely heavily on stuff from things learnt during the middle phase.

Fook!

So, I've been working all hours at my PC for the past few weeks with my porn download to study ratio down to an all time low of 5:1. Go on, ask me a question about Quarks or Leptons (or Sylvia Saint).

I now know I got 72% on penultimate assignment; the last one has been sent off on Monday (thankyou Mr King). So that final one better be a stormer. So now I can relax (well, I have to finish off my overall project but that's not too hard).

And now my work are very interested in me becoming Microsoft Certified (we get a big shiny Microsoft Placque if they've got 3 inhouse MCSDs or something). Wahay, more work.

Life is a big lump of potatoes chopped up and put in very hot animal extract before having fermented curd and brown water draped on top.

Chips, cheese and Gravy - ooh yes please.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2004-09-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

And a round of drinks for all of you.

My goodness, I don't post blogs often do I? I'm up to my eyeballs in study at the mo' and work is now quite interesting/demanding.

Actually, I'm now trying out all that OOP/API stuff I've read about but never used. My programs look like something out of a reference book (For the programmers among you, my latest love is Dlls with Callbacks into the host program). You see, my colleagues don't know I'm a useless twat; in fact, I'm sure they think I'm another Maksym - "no, no, you want to enumerate that, tosser".

The fact that they don't know what a "tosser" is only makes it funnier, they think it means "me old mucker".

Although the word "wanker" is in their vocabulary which did catch me out.

Actually, they're a pretty good bunch. For example; Friday afternoons, the bosses go home at 3. At 3:05, all work stops. Then everyone goes up the back of the office and has a beer (or 2 or 3).

Now there's an interesting thing. Drink driving in Canada doesn't have the same stigma as the IOM (unluckly Mr Barlow). People have about 3 bottles and then drive home, no problem. They all think I'm stuck up coz I won't drink at all.

Stuck up? Wait till they see me when I'm not driving "come on everyone, let's get naked!!!!"

Phlegm

Kelly does the Double!!

2004-08-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

And, for once, I'm not referring to a sexual act, I'm talking about my pal, Kelly Holmes who has done so well in winning the Gold at both 800m and 1500m at the Olympic Challenge (it appears to be a new mini-series on Channel 4 from what I can gather).

Kelly is one of those athletes who seems to have been around for years (without actually winning anything as such) so it was nice to see her come good.

On other Olympic news, Canada suck the big donkey. As you can iminage there's all sorts of post-mortems going on over here about why we are performing fellatio on a sizeable mule.

Did you know that a Horse crossed with a Donkey is a mule? Yes? Most people do. But that's only when the Horse is female and the Donkey is male. The other way round produces a Hinny (or vice versa, who can be arsed checking the accuracy of any of my statements).

Anyhoo, Mules/Hinnies don't qualify as true species as they can't reproduce. They are (mostly) sterile. Weird eh?

What else? Mmmm, how about a bit of quantum physics? That's what I 'm currently studying and it's very hard, although not as hard as some of my fellow "students" have expressed. They are finding it hard to reconcile the quantum world (especially atomic energy levels being quantized) with what they know about in real life. Not a problem for me as my grasp on real life is tenuous to say the least. I'll pretty much believe anything anyone tells me.

Did you know that Mormons believe that God is actually a bloke from another planet who has become Godlike coz he was a good boy on the last planet he lived on. Therefore, so it goes, if Mormons are good here, they in turn will get to be Gods over another planet at some later date. It's absolutely true, look it up, f**king insane or what?

Mind you, it's just as likely as that quantum shite, did I tell you about that?

[pause for breath]

Going to see the knee surgeon tomorrow, pretty quick eh? Update will follow.

And a big thanks to Mr King for posting my (late as usual) OU stuff.

Er, I've finished.

Go on, p*ss off.

Olympic Rant

2004-08-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have a few rants about the Olympics...

Firstly, did you see the two top officials at the opening? I'm particularly referring to the pretty woman in the figure hugging white dress. Everything about her was perfect...

...except that she had a giant head! It must have been a good two foot wide and over six hundred foot high! Unbelievable, I can't believe she wasn't made of butter.

I was shocked and offended especially with Greece denying the use of Horse Growth Hormones. I think this woman shows proof enough.

Secondly, while watching the teams parading around I was appalled at the size of Britains team. Tiny. Canada had over 250 competitors, Japan had 400 and the USA had 14,233. All roughly in ratio to population. But Britain only had about 20. What's that nonsense all about? I would rant more except that India (second most populous country in the world) only had a team of 3 - a gay, a woman and a mental. I mean, come on, what's that about?

I'll have to go and lie down, I'm feeling very stressed.

Choo choo

Free Porn

2004-08-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Not free porn as such, just the usual ramblings of a 30something, fat, balding, impotent, incompentant, nincompoop.

I don't (yet) have internet access at work. And I have all these great ideas for my blog until I get home. Oh well...

Things going fine here. Did I mention I had high blood pressure. Really high. 155/103 which is heart attack region. That was a month ago, I took the test in the pharmacy (as we call them in North America) while I was getting my knee seen to. I nearly shat my pants.

To cut a long story short....I've cut right back on my eating (as I don't drink or smoke). A typical day for me.

Breakfast: nothing
Morning: Coffee with no milk + sweetener
Lunch: 2 pieces of bread with mackerel between. No mayo, just vinegar.
Afternoon: Bananana
Tea: Boiled rice, raisins, green pepper + a little hoisin sauce.

People who can't lose weight are just poofs. It's easy, just stop eating. And when your knees are thicker than your thighs, it's time to eat cake again.

That's it.

Suffice to say, three weeks later, my BP is now around 130/80. So time to send for a chinese takeaway!!! Hurrah!!

What else? Mmmm, just been out for a cycle, it's very hot. My tan/melanoma is coming along well.

Work is somewhat improving. But I'm thinking of becoming a porn-stud, what do you think? I don't know what the big deal is about an 8" slong. Mine's at least 8.5" (" means centimetres, right?)

So I'm looking for an adult video company that will treat me as an individual and not just as a machine. Offers appreciated.

Frau Bierhoffer

Lightning!

2004-08-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

Again.

Anyway, moving swiftly on.

Work, is there anything good to say about working for a living? No.

To improve my days, I'm currently downloading some Steve Martin and Robin Williams audio comedy. I've listened to my Monty Python and Derek & Clive almost too much.

Big meeting tomorrow to discuss the bit of system I'm taking over. There's about 100k lines of unstructured code. Anything other than "feel free to re-write it, Michael, see you next Easter" and I'm walking. Well, maybe not walking, but you know what I mean.

Although, I (successfully) demonstrate my plugin philosophy today (aka DLLs). They were impressed, I could tell.

Salmon

Bioware update...

2004-07-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

...no, apparently. They said I was shit and to stop bugging them.

Actually, (actually it's still no but..), the test was reeeaaalllyyy hard.

Eight questions all provided in a simple text file. You have three hours to complete it and email back the text file. Use whatever resources you can find. So about 25 minutes per question.

1. Database questions. SQL, Entity diagrams, blah blah. No probs at all.
2. Linked Lists and strings in C++. No probs
3. Spot the bugs in Pointers-with-C++ program. Fine (if you know c++, lucky I read that book)
4. Improve a Prime Number program. Mmm, sure Maksym would have laughed but it was 4x as quick as original (they asked for 10x quicker).
5. Discuss B-trees. Lots of flam but I think it read well. Lots of flam.
6. Provided with a Matrix containing graphic. Write prog to rotate it in C++ (lossless).
7. Finish provided assembler program. No description of what it's supposed to do.
8. Some other bollocks I didn't even understand the question. But here is a SMALL snippet:

You know that your hardware takes advantage of depth buffer information, andis able to occlusion-cull geometry that fails the z-test. Write code to order the objects so that when they are rendered in that order:
1. Transparent objects do not occlude other objects and cause those objects to fail the z-test
2. The hardware can take as much advantage of occlusion culling as possible.

Which seems somewhat challenging, but they do provide a hint which clears everything up:

You can assume that a significant number of these objects are opaque. Cheers mate, that really helps!

I understand the question (only just) but seriously, who even knows where to begin.

Look, if you want me to hash something just say so. Or convert everything in a string to uppercase. Or say "hello world" 1000 times. I'm your man.

I don't think my answers to the last three questions can have helped my application

6. What?
7. Uh?
8. Sausage?

However, much like Paul (pablosbarlow.blogspot.com) I have decided (maybe) to pick a book or two on the art of games programming. This is for fun only and to prove a point. I'll let you know.

Maybe I'm too old.

Progress...

2004-07-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

None.

Bought this book "Learn C++ in 10 minutes" which sounded promising. Actually it's quite a good book and at only 300 pages I figured I could read it in the 5 days available.

Unfortunatley, when I get home from work I'm tired and just wanna watch TV and go to sleep. They start reeeeeel early over here, I get up at 7:30! Who knows what that's all about.

So I'm up to page 174 and not feeling too hopeful (exam is tomorrow). So for those expecting free Bioware games for life....I think not.

Good thing I've already got a job really.

Ady: I did think about cheating (by sending the exam to Maksym) but unfortunately he'll be asleep and they want the exam back 3 hours later. So unless we can find another C++ expert available at 2-5am GMT I'll have to rely on my own brain.

Bioware II

2004-07-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

It appears that I passed my interview. A two-hour long blinder in which I may have suggested I knew how to program and hadn't been convicted of grand theft auto (well, they didn't specifically ask).

Next up is a three hour exam. On thursday. In C++.

I had a look at my CV and, luckily enough, I never claimed any knowledge of C++ (which is odd, as I usually slip it in somewhere near the bottom). So I guess as a long as I get more than zero, I will have impressed them. Hell, if I get over 10% I'll make them beg.

Fingers crossed.

Once more into the breach...

2004-07-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've avoided it as much as possible, but I feel I must devote an entire blog to the weather here in Canada.

British (and by British I mean people living in Great Britain, or head-office as I refer to it to the natives) people by-and-large like to talk about the weather.

And after having spent some time in a place that actually has weather, I find it odd that the British (and by British I mean decent god-fearing folk, non of your French nonsense). Sorry where was I?

Oh yes, weather. Yes we have it, and, cor-blimey, there's plenty 'ere mate.

Now that that is cleared up...

Suffice to say it is very hot (or tres chaud as the French peasants would say) here in France. I mean Canada. Around +35C. When talking Canadia weather it's best to be explicit about the sign (the plus or minus bit at the front for any girls reading). If you just say 35C you really have no idea which side of toast is buttered.

Despite this +35C nonsense, last night, during another thunderstorm, there were plenty of reports of golf ball size hail (just marrowfat peas in our district). And the thunder, it's not like Baldrine you know. Waiting around for 2-3 minutes for the next strike, the strikes are every few seconds, big buggers to.

We've also had tornados. Two to be precise. Not little whirlwinds (of which I've seen two, up close) but full Tornados. Just to the west of where I work. I didn't see them, one of the joys of air-conditioning and tailor made trousers.

And flash floods. During the storm (on the night I crashed my bike) the Whitemud Freeway (a big 8 laner) totally flooded, the waters covering the abandoned cars.

It's all rather bizarre, especially for one brought up in old jolly old Britannia. And to top it all, the Canadianas don't even talk about it, "which storm?" they say, and "No, I was asleep, who are you anyway and what are you doing with my trousers on".

Off to bed now, next demonstration of God's Power should start in about 45 minutes judging by the clouds.

Poo and wee.

Things looking up

2004-07-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Starting to get into the work thing, it's quite enjoyable actually. They all think I'm mad of course. Got permission to listen to music so it's almost like InvisiSpew.

And then, just when work is going well, Bioware ring up. Really, really keen to speak to me. Interview tomorrow. If they offer it, I'll probably (75%) take it, but I am enjoying myself at HM, it'll be a hard choice.

Me knee still sucks.

Tour de France is going well (I'm still supporting Jan Ullrich, pointing that out while he's in 20th place).

Only other news is my visit into the city. I went forward and thought "no way, this can't be" but I went on aanyway. The other fella said he'd take care of it but I knew nothing of that. From the way he's been talking over the last few hot days, you'd swear his muscles had totally cramped up. He'd dropped me off just near to the forest, but I didn't know where I was or where I was going. I thought about speaking to Betini (the younger one). That left me following the autobus, but he wasn't worried, apparently he'd taken the opportunity to bury it, at least the bill was lower this month.

....er....

Sorry, you'll have to ignore that last paragraph, it doesn't seem to make any sense, I think there's a fault with my keyboard, the J is stucjk. See?

Dater Lays

Bad week

2004-07-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well, don't expect anything too humourous in this entry as I've had a crap week.

Been getting fitter and fitter on the bike (what with Canada being great for cycling in) and had started cycling to/from work (about 10 miles each way).

Anyhoo, Tuesday night, it's a little drizzly when I left, nothing outrageous and as someone who lived in the IOM who cares about a bit of rain.

Two miles later, it's getting close to a downpour. I had to stop at a shop and ask for a plastic bag to put my MP3 player in. Another mile later I decide to get off the main roads as they're starting to flood and the cars are starting to look scary. The rain at this stage is well beyond anything the IOM can produce.

One more mile and the thunder starts. One more mile and the lightning and the thunder are happening simultaneously (you know what that means).

The lightning starts taking the piss out of me, jumping from cloud to cloud directly overhead. Teasing me and my petty life.

The rain has now moved beyond power-shower strength. The roads are now rivers of water, the level up to the height of the pavement at each side. The lightning is angry with me.

At this stage I am sprinting(as much as one can sprint when the water is 6 inches deep) from one streetlamp to the next, assuming the lightning will hit the lampposts before me. I'm also thinking "lightning won't strike a cyclist as the tyres are rubber". Then I'm thinking "my metal wheel rims are below the water level" and "anything that can leap from the clouds to the ground through thin air is gonna have no problem vapourizing my tyres".

The final 4 miles I am shitting myself. Haven't been as scared since I was a child.

There is lightning everywhere, the rain is soooo heavy it's slowing me down.

I finally get to my street and I think "it would be typical to get hit outside my house" and I speed up, swing into my drive (which is running like a river), aquaplane, fall off, slide UP my drive and under our car (parked in the garage).

Now a cyclist, still attached to his pedals, lying (sliding) on his side will not actually fit under a car. Something has to give......in this case my ligaments. For those who know me, this is not a new thing.

So now (5 days later) I'm sat on the couch, ice on leg, feeling sorry for myself.

Life sucks

Lots of love

p.s. the Power-Shower comparison is NOT an exaggeration. The rain here is f**kin ridiculous when it finally falls.

Tomorrows Post

2004-06-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Five hundred points for those who chose number 2.

Yes, it says "change" not "chance". That was a teaser!

For those of you who wrote in saying that songs 3-5 were made up by yours truly, well you're just kill joys. I bet you have a cardigan with one of those double zips. You know the ones, you can pull one zip up to fasten it and there is another zip still at the bottom, sort of like a spare parachute in case the first zip flies off the end or something. Some people eh?

On a more serious note...

Weather in Canada is just getting silly. I drove to work (spit, cough) this morning at 7:50am. It was 23C. It was 32C when I was driving home. Wow. I mean WoW. OwW. oOw. OOo. WoO.

Got chased by another dog yesterday on my bike. Tried to hit it in the face. Missed, nearly fell off. But the dog got the hint. Did I mention I got bit by a Rottweiller last month?

Well, I did. Didn't hurt because I am John Hurt, Burt Lancaster and Clive Spurt all rolled into one with Pert to spare.

England and the world cup (or whatever it was)? Not really the same over here. I can find out the scores like 50 hours before it's on TV so it sort of kills it. I blame Glen Hoddle (the thinking man's crumpet).

Tour de France coming up though and I've splashed out on MORE cable channels so I can watch it all. Yippee, come on Jan Ullrich (Lance Armstrong, crumpet for people on smack).

It's not slander if it's true!

Paul Barlow wears my old underpants when I've finished with them. See, all true!

Bye.

[Quiz time

2004-06-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

Which is the odd one out?

1. Take a Chance on me - Abba
2. Changes - The Osbournes
3. Chance would be a fine thing - Fleetwood Mac
4. You've lost your Chance - Billie Holiday
5. Is this my last Chance? - Jack Lemmon and Bing Crosby

[the answer will be in tomorrows post]

...so soon?

2004-06-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's that time of "quite late on in the day" again. Time for my blog moment.

Interesting facts about my life:

1. I don't like cheese, unless it's cooked. Like Lasagne or Cottage Pie with cheese on.
2. France is always sunny (from limited personal experience only, this CANNOT be relied upon).
3. Dragons aren't real.
4. I have known 3 people called Simon. There might be more, I'm not really sure. I was taller than 66.6666% of them. If I meet more people called Simon, the statistics are likely to change. One more (taller or shorter) would give a nice round number (i.e. 75% or 50%).
5. Cheetah? An odd name for a monkey. A bit like calling your dog Octopus or perhaps Woodfinch.
6. Just for a moment, imagine a sheep with a happy face on a field of blue grass....you can stop now. Think of something else, your choice this time.

That's all for now. More to follow...

...now!

No, not really. Disappointed? Why not leave a comment telling all, but in someone elses blog, that'll confuse them.

Mmmm, what goes in here?

2004-06-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is great, look, this is bold and this is green.

Or not. Ah well. For those who want to know more about me, read my www.friendsreunited.com pages. They iss being most funnily!! Of course, you'd need to know my name (for search purposes) its..

...nope, if you know who I am, you'll know where to look.

However, almost everything in there is true. Apart from the bit about the camel, obviously. I mean, how many camels do you know that eat grass! I can't believe how many people fell for that one.

More news, tomorrow. Or sometime.

2004-05-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, Mr Paul King (who is actually a Miss) has asked me to update my details because they're slightly out of date.

He/she's not wrong (well if you've seen him, he's ALL wrong, with his left leg being almost a metre longer than his other left leg, you have to appreciate what an exciting stride pattern he has). Anyway, I digress. But as regular readers will know, digressing is what I do best. That, and scrambled eggs. On that subject, does everyone end up with lots of water in the bottom of the pan? Shirley does. it frustrates me as she just serves it up and I end up with soggy toast. I think she needs to cook it longer whilst avoiding burning. Am I right?

[Come on, stay focused - Ed.]

Okay, okay. Some slight changes since the last entry. I have a new job, house, car, friends, family and...country.

When I say family, I obviously have the same core family (me, Shirl and the 3 kids) but my outer family has changed, like my brother and....I don't mean my brother has changed. Look, it's simple, you see that hillock over there, the little hillock?

More specifically, we've moved to Canada!

"Oh Canada, Oh Canada, dum-dum-dum-dum-dah!!"

If anyone knows the words to the national anthem, please drop me a line.

Yes, we live in Sunny/Snowy/Tornado-y/Haily Canada. They (we) have really bizarre weather. The most extreme was in April. It went from +23C to -15 in 24 hours. I never know what underwear to put on as that silk teddy is pathetic at holding body heat. Although it makes a surprisingly good water filter for days in the Amazonian rain forest(must be the tightly-knit fibres).

What else? So, yes, we sold up everything we own in the IOM and flitted across 9 time zones to set up anew. Really impressed so far (not to say the IOM isn't heaven, it is. It's like Michael Parkinson, old and craggy but fine for a picnic, up near his eyebrows).

Last night, Went down to the River Valley (imagine Molly Quirks glen replacing the swamps with fine lawns, smooth pathways, lots of facilities and making it about 40 miles long). Shirley on Rollerblades has to be seen.

The kids love it, me and the wife love it so you're all cordially invited to come and visit. You'll all of course be staying in Toronto (4000 miles east) but just having you all near will be so entralling.

Ever bump into anyone from school you haven't seen for years in a pub? Wait for them to say "we had some laughs, didn't we?" and just say "no". And then leave. Maybe throw a beer mat at their friend first.

** Blog of the Gods **