Cotton Buds

So, I was sitting on the toilet, motioning. Ok, that's funny.

Anyhoo...

...I see the Cotton Buds container on the shelf so I grab it and have a quick read of the labelling, just to pass the time.

And, as we all know it says "Do not insert into the Ear Canal" which is where we all inevitably stick them. So my point is this; if they're not for cleaning out your ears, WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

I can think of no other part of my body that isn't better served by cleaning with a Power Shower, soap and a flannel.

So where? Up your nose, down your jappa, where? They're are so clearly made for cleaning a very small orifice.

They put the warning on the packaging just to get round being sued by newly deaf people. It's like putting "Do not smoke" on the side of a pack of ciggies.

Argh.

It's a Dogs Life

I feel a rant coming on.

Brucie Forsyth's daughter, Lezzie, has been the latest victim of a dog-napping. Her two Scottie Dogs (aka yappy tw*ts) were swiped from her car while she was busy feeding her face in a KFC.

So, Bruce and Lezzie have appeared on Good Morning UK to whinge like b*stards about this.

Now I have nothing against dogs; they make perfectly good food.

However, I hate celebrities. I can't believe that just because her father is a celebrity, this bitch gets national coverage to find her wretched mongrels. If I had my dog/goldfish/child swiped I wouldn't get that much exposure.

But what really prompted this blog was Brucie's total diva attitude.

Despite the fact that the stupid bitch shouldn't have locked the dogs in the car (hot day, cooked dog flesh etc), this is not where Brucie feels the blame lies. Lezzie was unable to set the car alarm because you can't set an alarm if there's something moving in the car (i.e. the dogs). He says that Car Manufacturs should solve this problem.

So, Ford, Chrysler, Renault, General Motors and Toyota should redesign their alarm systems in case you are a celebrity and want to lock your dogs in the car?

Gosh, what naughty Major Global Automotive Manufacturers for not thinking of this.

Shaven Ravers? No thanks

Celeste - one of brightest and most promising of the uni-named Porn Queens on the planet.

But what will she be remembered for? Her early work with the Mickey Mouse club? Unlikely, Britney and Christina have too long overshadowed her exploits there.

Her flings with Charlie Sheen? Unfortunately, his reinvention as TV Evangelist "Mrs Beachams" has relegated her to merely an embarrassing stain on his otherwise squeaky-clean persona.

Or maybe she won't be remembered at all. Porn Queens fade faster than a tattoo done with a cheap biro on a Greek chick in a sauna.

So, in a bizarre new twist, Celeste has signed up with Dr. Edgar Lampgrabber, eminent skin-graft expert to stars. His balding reversal techniques have been used extensively by celebrities such as Elton and Billie Piper and have thrust him, arse first, into the public-eye.

And now his magic is being applied to....the chin of Celeste.

Chin!? Indeed, after discussion with her bisexual agent J.K.Rowling, she's decided to relaunch her career as The First Bearded Lady of Porn.

Nope.

Sorry.

I've run dry. I can't continue with this stupid story. And just in case you weren't sure, it's not true. I made it up.

But it really does make you think, would anyone pay to see a gorgeous, voluptuous porn star with a beard?

No.

Universal Underpant Constant

Although some of you probably think I have too much time on my hands, I have actually been doing serious study. Today I present Part 1 of my latest Nobel winning research.

Fact: We wear Underpants so that we don't soil our 'outerpants', meaning we can wear our (more expensive) outerpants for more than one day.

This is a fundamental economic construct of the 21st Century with billions of dollars being traded daily through companies manufacturing these intimates.

However, are we being misled?

Consider this, the average cost of a pair of Outers is $22. So, at what price point are underpants 'too expensive'?

For example; if, in a average week, Mr Average wears 8 pairs of underpants (the 8th being for a special night out) plus two pairs of outerpants at work, a pair of jeans covering the weekend and his special 'night out' pants his tally will be:

8b + 4a (Where a = Outerpants and b = Underpants)

However, what if he had decided to go commando and soil his Outerpants at work forcing a daily change. He also soils at the weekend but decides that denim is robust enough to take the abuse. We end up with this:

7a (i.e. he wears 7 pairs of outers and NO underpants!)

To solve the cut off point for Underpants, we must solve this equation:

8b + 4a = 7a

Given that the average price of Outers is $22 we can substitute and arrive at:

8b + 88 = 154

Rearrange to give

8b = (154 - 88)
8b = 66

Therefore b = $8.25

Sadly, for those guys wearing "quality" Underpants costing more than $8.25 you're just kidding yourselves.

Women, on the otherhand, should always wear two pairs of knickers. Coz they're are like slugs.

Wikipedia (the dogs knob)

I look at Wikipedia every day and like to look at the Articles of the Day, just to expand the breadth of my huge intelelekt, so to speak.

Anyway, there was an entry on some Ancient Roman Emperor (or something historical). So I clicked on it and the page appeared. Except it was just full of pictures of knobs. Not knobs from dirty movies, just regular mens willies not doing much at all. Dozens of them.

No text, no information, just knobs.

The unfortunate page remained in place for many hours; I wonder how many millions of people saw it and were horrified/aroused/angered/cheered? (delete as appropriate)

Ah, those were the days.

Seems I'm not dead

So, it wasn't my last blog. Of course, this one might be. I might get run over by a bus. That would be strange as I'm currently confined to my couch.

Try saying Settee or Chesterfield in Canuckland. Actually don't. It's not worth it.

My operation seemed to go fine. I was waiting in the Operating Theatre holding area. I was so relaxed. I asked the nurse what was in my drip as it was working a treat. She said nothing, they hadn't given me any drugs yet.

I love hospitals and that whole General Anaesthetic thing. It's soooo mellow. It's a good thing I don't take drugs coz I'd be a total addict, I think they're ace. I love that bit just before you go under, that's what we should all strive for in our lives. Drug induced comas.

Anyway, I'm not dead.

And to prove I'm not totally anti-Canada, I have to say it was the friendliest most pleasant hospital I've ever been in. And two of the nurses were pretty hot. And one other was a total stunner. I kid you not.